*

20040824

why did [you] do that??...u told me not to but u did it urself...

[todae.]
njoying the aircon now in the com lab.came back frm lunch.eat at ljs with yh and cindy.yh treated me.hahax.too bad larx cuz they wanted me to go but i had no money mahx.so yeah lorx.then while eating found out stg.stg wich i nv wanted to hear.anw.earlier in skl.. wanted to ask morgan along for lunch.and she bullied me instead.first she put flower on my hair then after that she wanted to piggy back me.but in the end both of us fall on our butt.v pain leh.[morgan...youre gonna get it frm me...] anw.juz now after mass run felt lyk puking so bad lorx.then kp on drinking water so that i wun throw up.dun knw hw it help either.

[common test results.]
received back maths and science paper today.marks were unexpected.hahax.turn out both papers i gt A1..v happy.but still gt other papers to receive.let see.still gt history eng d&t.i deprove alot in my malay.manx.horrible lorx.dropped frm a1 to b3.is that gd or bad?of course bad ryt?stupid question.even a primary3 year old kid can ans that.am considering whtr i shud drop hmt next yr.dunno whtr i can make it.cuz my b3 all also at e edge one.anytym can fall.

[sumone.]
dun do that agn kaes?dun dun dun.i wun allow u to do that agn.pls?yepp.ill always be here to hear you out ok?yepp.luv ya loads-

kkaes gtg.byee..

lovedd.<3
;4:36 PM.x

20040819

had a fun fun tym luffing...but i really wonder was that for real...or was it juz a mask that help me hide my sufferings?

embraced in the arms of pain,
i suffered.
drowned in the sea of tears,
ive cried.
helpless and lost in the world
of my own
struggling and enduring
all alone.

unhappiness shown in your face
misery shown in your eyes.
words that are mouthed by you
are juz plain lies.
i wanna feel appreciated
juz wanna feel sumone cares for me
but i kn ill nv see that
for as long as ure with me....

this is den todae's entry..
[todae.]
ms neo smack my head todae cus i imitate one of her sound effects.yh screwd me up todae.she arhx..dunno watta say liao.made me luff for let see..2 hours 20 min?ok larx...4 periods to be exact.took my mind off my depression for a while at least.as for the np idol heard that we may not be even in it.yepp.owellx.i dunno watta sae anw.forgt it.

[life.]
hadn been gd either.was so screwd up yday.hadno mood to do drills.mind was too disturbed.felt relieve that i get to cry yday.cried after np.saw that teresa cried.well i guess we cried cuz of the same reason?yepp.[teresa:relax kaes?i understand exactly hw u feel.yepp.]im nt gonna sae wad happen.not allowd to write it here.yepp.i cant stand life de.those hu had tried to comfort me.a beeg THANKS to u ppl.appreciated it.thk u thk u so much.but yet agn nw i feel very dwn and i cant cry.i feel very choked.i wanna throw up.i feel so sick.i wanna gt high fever agn hopefully this tym i die.i dun wanna live anymore.

to [someone.]..dunno whtr you'll read anot.but yea.im sorry but i cant luff ryt nw.nt that i dun wanna luff but i cant.u kp on smiling and train your dog to luff kaes?yepp.i dun find it a joke anymore.dunno y.its suppose to b funny but im nt luffing ryt nw.

[whisper.]
eh..basically typing the same thing.but yea in greater details.i dun understand wad you mean by ''somehow its TOO coincidental that you wrote it YESTERDAY, and yesterday you know what happened.'' cant understand.wad happen on erm 17?dun get it.and its reali not you.wad does it take for you to blif me?nvm i understand y.but yea.about the [her] i was talking about.ill tell you hu is it wen i meet you.if you realli dun blif me.nvm.anw juz tell me wen you are meeting me..will try to make myself free.yupx

owellx.ill juz leave it to god and see wad he's gonna decide for me.as ive said i see dunno why he had created me i the first place.he had juz wasted his effort and tym on me.im juz a pure loser and failure.shudn have let me born in the world in the first place...

gtg byex.

lovedd.<3
;4:06 PM.x

im a stone..a rock..

//this was supposed to b yday entry...
[todae.]
f**k manx.sumone logged out from my prev com then i write until so long all gone liao.so pissed ryt.already nt in the best of modd lorx.WADEVA LARX!ass.im so sick ryt now.cs juz finished.having drills later on.dun really feel lyk gg but yea.suan de larx.will juz go.yepp.anw.np idol dis sat.hope they will win.first tym in history they organised np idol lorx..

[np idol ppl]
GOOD LUCK!!!muz win kaes?and bring glory to creznp.i knw u cn do it de!

[life.]
it still sux.even tho one day had passed.i feel so sick.even skl seemed so dark and scary now.i shudder even at the thot of having to go to skl.skl used to be my fav place in the world but now.it seemed to me lyk a dark and cold cave and im stuck in it.im very confused ryt now.

[previous entry.]
sorry to those who gt offended by my last entry.first and foremost...it doesn refer to any of my lvlmates.so yea.i feel very stressd yday.so pour it out onto my blog.sorry.

[me.]-->you knw hu u are
sorry if my prev entry misunderstood you.now heres the truth.the prev entry doesn refer to you at all kaes?hw cud you even think of that.i gv you my word that if i have anything unhappy towards you ill tell you personally.i wun write it out here.yepp.
''if words are spoonfed to you, and you dont learn, maybe you gotta learn the hard way and it'd be better. do you understand?''
someone else also said stg similar.well.ive been learning thing sthe hard way allthis while anw.whtr i had achoice anotx.i knw you put up alot with me.and im really grateful for that.thks for always being there for me wen i needed you all this while.thks alot. i really appreciate.im sorry cuz i always offend you.sorry..i knw im always being difficult.

me:
-difficult
-problematic
-troublesome
-failure
-loser
-idiot
-moron

and the list goes on and on.i realise all this.and ive been trying to change.but no matter hw hard i tried.its nt working in anw.it always fail..[as im a failure]..wellx.evryting seemed very diff nw.i dun see y god actually created me in the first place.life is totalli diff ryt nw.i dun feel lyk living.i wanna die but not in a wrong way.die as in realy die that kind.but yea nvm larx.i juz have to accept the fact that i a one failure in life.yepp.

well gtg liaox.yepp.

lovedd.<3
;1:50 AM.x

20040817

why are [you] doing this...

a blank expression
full of thousand different word.
words that kill
and words that hurt
a smile which was forced
happiness that were faked
all her feelings hidden
hidden within a mask
sorrows kept within
angers that burnt
a long lost happiness
that is bound never to return
"thats the phase of life"
they say
but all i could do is to
silently pray...

[today.]
common test finally over at last.had maths and d&t today.both paper were ok.at least i din forget my facts.maths was horrendous.cuz forgot the word corresponding so pig lorx.yucks.was trying to rmb the words but i couldn lorx.totalli regretted lorx.oh!and kartinie confiscated my silver necklace canx.either i go ask my parents take it or i take at the end of the year.its oso not like i wanna wear rytx?hate her lorx.today ms azinar change seating position agn.bleh.sitting with nad and yh.FRONT ROW AGAIN!!! i knw im short larx but i wanna at least sit at e second ryt?but i ended up in first row yet agn.owellx.suan le larx.

[[rb.]]
dun cry le kaes?juz concentrate on your studies and yea ignore the things gg ard you.im in front of you anw.yepp.so juz cool dwn kaes?

[life.]
one simple word-->>sux.at this point of tym.m juz super stress.soo much things happening in sucha short tym.so much tings gushing back in.too much but yet too fast.it had just been a few days ago that i feel that life is so fun and that i look forward to evryday of my life...BUT this hv2happen.it totalli sux.

[depression.confused.]
its cuming back yet agn.so depressed.feel so alone today.wat wrong did i do?y muz [she] avoid me.its lyk [she]'s my confidante lorx.i dun wanna lose yet another one lorx.i have enuff of losing ppl that i love canx?[she] think by avoiding me things would get better meh?its making things worst for me.i feel v alone.i shudder at the thot of my pst repeating agn.i dun wanna feel alone agn.y is this happening?y me?y izzit always me?im sick of this world.i wish im really dying..i wish my tym is reali nearly up.i cant stand all this suffering that im gg thru...all alone.and its not nice at all.wads the point of living if the defination life for is= place which brings you sorrow and tears.a place where you have to fake out your happiness. i feel very confused.im confused with evryting thats gg on ard.im starting to doubt wthr the ppl ard me are reali hu dey are.evrytings getting too complicated.i can take it no more.izzit that nice seeing me suffer?gives you satisfaction meh?y cant i cry?to let out all my feelings..y other ppl cn cry so easily.but i cant..no matter hw sad i am...i still cant cry de lorx.i feel so miserable.im feel very very suffocated.

forget it manx.i feel very sad.and i dun wish to tok abt it here.to the [her] im reffering ive been toking about..whtr you knw it anot...i dun really care.if you do...juz rmb that its not helping me by avoiding me...its making things worst.

well gtg liaox.hope life makes its turn agn.

lovedd.<3
;2:59 PM.x

20040813

hong chen huang li lan ding zi..hw do i say this?

[todae.]
hm..had common test todae.eng and lit.did manage to write all the the comparison between stacey and t.j.wadeva larx.its over anw.hahahahahahx.with cindy and yh nw.yh digging her brains out for her maths.shervon treated me todae.to spaghetti lehx.yeah..!!!funfun...=)aiya dunno wat to do now lorx.blog oso ntg to blog lorx.hahax.bored bored bored

[npcc.]
i passed my promo.yepp.chao happie thats all i cn sae.to my dearest bee...dun be too sad kaes?ill help with ur promo de kaes?yepp.you wun fail all the tym de lorx.yupx.actually i feel very sad that you and claud din pass lorx.wanted whole sq to pass but din expect both of you to fail.and im really sad lorx...

[muggings.]
had been mugging alot these few daes.din sleep for days..thks to sumone larx...hahahax.but in the end I WON!!!sumone to loser liaox.ended her part of the game even before the whole thing started.smart horx.sighh.this is called too smart.yepp.hahahx.
to you:too bad.this years *** gonna rawk manx.yepp.and we would all owe the entertainment to you.yepp.so muz make it a gd one kaes?yepp.

kkix.gtg liao.wanna go home liao...byee.

[dinie.]
heyy.you relax kaes?know been very stress and tiring for you this few days.yepp.my bear2 will keep u company in skl.yepp.think of me wen u see the bear kaes?yepp.ill look after it at home.u cn do anything to it.yepp.give it a name kaes?

lovedd.<3
;4:14 PM.x